Jewish Humor
IRS ideas.......
Woman deducts personal property taxes paid while playing Monopoly. Mrs. Schwartz states, "My husband is an attorney and said there is no law on the books forbidding people from deducting their Monopoly game's property taxes. He even did a Google search. Nothing." Schwartz adds that she's not worried about a potential worst-case scenario, "because I've got two Get Out of Jail Free cards." Schwartz is further charged with attempting to bribe a Michigan state official -- with Monopoly money. "Just my luck I get an honest civil servant. I even threw in two hotels, but he wouldn't budge. Nu? Some people, I swear."
Man deducts travel expenses to and from Hermie's Delicatessen. College-educated sports announcer Mr. Leiber puts an extra 35 miles on his car's odometer each week traveling two and from his beloved Hermie's Delicatessen. "If you're a fan of perfection, Hermie's rye bread and corned beef will bring tears to your eyes," affirms Leiber. One day, Hermie noticed that Leiber was suffering from a cold. Leiber confided he just couldn't get rid of it. "Hermie told me, 'My schmaltz herring and chicken soup is better than any medicine in the market.' I realized he was right. That's when I decided to deduct my travel expenses and the cost of the food. It's no different than going to a doctor. Just tastier. The IRS has no sense of fairness. I should've insisted on a Jewish IRS agent; he would have understood."
Teacher deducts game show winnings as "retirement contribution." When 64 year old Mr. Horowitz won $125,000 on "Jeopardy" last year, he was thrilled. "I was planning on retiring the following year and this money would be a substantial part of the retirement fund for myself and my wife. We were quelling in unison." That was the logic Horowitz gave the IRS when they asked him why he listed the money as a retirement contribution. After the IRS explained why Horowitz would not be allowed to do this, he took his wife to Las Vegas, where they proceeded to lose the entire amount of money during a series of high-stakes poker games. "It's okay," said Horowitz. "I'm a teacher and I was teaching my wife to play poker, so I'll just deduct it as a business loss. What? What're you looking at me that way for?"
DMV supervisor deducts entire worker's salary as "charitable contribution."
Supervisor Ms. Rabinovitz can't understand why the IRS won't allow her to deduct the $47,000 salary she pays a Department of Motor Vehicles clerk, as a "charitable contribution." She confides, "Look, he and I don't get along. Frankly, he's a waste of space. But if I fired him, his family of four would have no health insurance and I couldn't live with that guilt. So, really, my continuing to pay him is more of a charitable contribution than anything else." Rabinovitz already had a red flag on her IRS account dating from three years ago when she attempted to deduct the cost of fifteen bottles of tequila as a medical expense. "I have a signed note from a medical doctor saying that I am deficient in vitamins only available from the agave cactus plant."
Single woman claims child-care credit.
27 year old Ms. Goldstein deducted a $5,000 child-care credit. The IRS disallowed the credit on the grounds that Goldstein is unmarried and childless. Goldstein's argument: "My husband, - God love him - is an extremely immature, irresponsible man. He doesn't cook, clean, pick up after himself, or do anything I ask him to do. It's like having a child around the house. A child I care for every day. So I requested a child-care credit. Seems fair to me. Excuse me; he's playing Empty Beer Can Bowling again and something's going to be ruined. Enough!"
So, what can we learn from all of this? That Jews have chutzpah to spare? That the IRS is not easily fooled? That if you want to stay off the Feds' radar, it's probably best not to claim brisket and tzimmes as medical expenses? Yes, but I think the lessons herein go deeper, much deeper. And as soon as I figure out what they are, I'll get back to you. Now it's time to take my girlfriend, out for dinner and a movie. I'm using my tax refund check to treat her, and want to cash it right away in case the IRS decides they have some issue with my deducting everything I spent on my last girlfriend - as a gambling loss.
-author unknown
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A young Jewish businessman in New York goes to a bank and borrows $5,000. He offers his new Ferrari as collateral. The bank officers had the car placed into their parking garage. They had a good laugh after the fellow left.
Five days later, the fellow comes back with the full payment plus interest. The loan officer said to him, why did you give a Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan? The car is worth way more than that. To this the young businessman replied- where else can I get cheap, yet well secured parking while on a business trip in NY for less than $15?!
-author unknown
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G-d approaches a nation and says "I have commandments for you if you want them". "What is a commandment"? They asked. "Oh one is 'Do Not Steal'". "No- no we are not interested".
So G-d goes to another nation and says "I have commandments for you if you want them". "What is a commandment"? They asked. "One is Do Not Covet'". "No-no we are not interested".
So G-d goes to the Jews and says "I have commandments for you if you want them- they are free". To this the Jews cried "Great! we'll take 10 of them"!
-Ultimate Passover DVD
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This from Leo Rosten's wonderful book "The Joys of Yiddish": (The questioner as asking whether he/she should attend a concert being given by a niece. The meaning of the same sentence changes completely, depending on where the speaker places the emphasis:)
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning:, "After what she did to me?"
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: "What, you're giving me a lesson in ethics?"
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I wouldn't go even if she were giving out free passes!
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I'm having enough trouble deciding whether it's worth one.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--She should be giving out free passes, or the hall will be empty.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--Did she buy tickets to our daughter's recital?
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--You mean, they call what she does a "concert"?
According to Rosten, there are other linguistic devices in English, derived from Yiddish syntax, which subtly "convey nuances of affection, compassion, displeasure, emphasis, disbelief, skepticism, ridicule, sarcasm, and scorn." According to Rosten, there are other linguistic devices in English, derived from Yiddish syntax, which subtly "convey nuances of affection, compassion, displeasure, emphasis, disbelief, skepticism, ridicule, sarcasm, and scorn."
-Rosten?
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I love humor, it is a legacy from my Jewish roots. My family always said "If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish!" In search of a few words to replace some I use, I decided to find something funny (and not offensive) in Yiddish. The above information from one of my favorite web sites bubbygram.com started some questions in my head...... Do we also read the Bible with these ideas, intents, and attitude? Do our preconceived ideas negate the Ruach Ha Kodesh? Have we taken things out of context to serve our needs and wants? I grew up in a family of mensches. Are we too smart for our own good? Example:"How many Taylor's (English version of our name) does it take to change a light bulb? answer: 11! 10 to decided what type of bulb, who should do it, what type of ladder, give warning about shock etc. -and my Mom who just did it while everyone was still thinking. We should come as little children but grow with the knowledge Ha Shem provides for us. His knowledge not others opinions, ideas or conjecture. I did find a few words in Yiddish but my favorite from my Grandmother is still Oy Gevalt! (Ach, Heaven forbid!)
-By Paula Taylor Saunders
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Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."
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Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew. "Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!" "Nu, so I'll wait..."
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A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box.......... He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad." His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.
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The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf. Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely. As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?!" God replied, "Who can he tell?"
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A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away. The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port. The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
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